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kingdomhearts2024-12-23 03:13 am
ruxadye) wrote in kingdomhearts2024-12-23 03:13 am
Entry tags:
FANFIC | Day 177 (Axel/Roxas)
Title: Day 177
Rating: Teen
Pairing/Characters: Axel/Roxas
Word Count: 6,280 words
Additional/Content Warnings: Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Train Trips
Summary:
Roxas has a lot to figure out, no idea how to talk about it, or if he even should... but a surprise from Axel and an afternoon out of the ordinary might help him make up his mind, in more ways than one.
There are ice creams in Axel’s hands, but there’s something else, too. A piece of paper? It’s thin and white and small, maybe the same size as the ice cream, so from a distance Roxas can’t really make out what it’s supposed to be, a piece of paper or something else.
Curious, Roxas tries getting a better look at it once Axel comes around to sit down in his usual spot beside him. The other spot, the one on Roxas’s left, is empty, same as it’s been the past four days in a row.
“Sorry I took awhile,” says Axel. “I had something to take care of on the way over.” He leans over to hand Roxas one of the ice creams, keeping his own in his other hand. He tucks what is definitely a piece of paper into his pocket. “Hope you didn’t miss me too much.”
“I missed you a lot, actually.” It sounds like Roxas is teasing, but he’s being honest. “Hard not to. Thanks." Taking the ice cream from Axel, Roxas holds it thoughtfully in his hand for a moment, then brings it to his lips and takes a bite.
There’s a crunch as Axel does the same, but other than that it’s quiet where they sit. Two days ago, they’d come up here and talked about work, and yesterday Roxas told Axel all about flying around while on his mission in Never Land—just the dumbest stuff. Today, it seems like they aren’t going to talk about much at all.
Usually, Roxas wouldn’t have a problem with that. He likes that there are days when he and Axel can just sit here and enjoy each other’s company. They don’t have to talk all the time. Some days they’re too exhausted after work to talk. Some days they don’t have the energy to lay flat on the brick and kiss until it’s time to RTC. Some days it’s enough to enjoy the icing on the cake together in comfortable silence. Today’s silence isn’t so comfortable, though. At least, not to Roxas it isn’t.
It’d be different if Roxas could figure out a way to bring up what’s been on his mind lately. But he doesn’t know how to. Part of him still isn’t sure he wants to talk about it at all. Either way, it hangs over him the way the shadows do when his hood is pulled up over his head.
"Hey, Roxas?" Staring out at the sunset deep in thought, Roxas doesn’t expect the hand that’s placed on his shoulder, and the sudden touch makes him start a little. But Axel’s hand is gentle and soft on his body as it always is, and Roxas eases up just as quickly.
“Correct me if I’m wrong, okay?” Axel continues. “Lately I’ve been getting the feeling that something’s been weighing you down.”
It’s like Axel can read his mind or see right through him or something. Roxas sighs, his shoulder wilting beneath Axel’s hand.
“Well,” Roxas starts. Maybe he should talk about it. Okay. He just needs to figure out where to begin. “I guess I haven’t been feeling great lately.”
If he’s gonna bring it up, then now’s gotta be the best time to bring it up. Right? This is Axel, after all. Roxas can talk about anything with Axel. He’s let Axel kiss him. He’s kissed him back. They’ve done a lot more than that, too. He—he likes Axel. A lot… more than a lot. There’s a word for that. Axel explained it to him the other day, though Axel was definitely surprised that Roxas had asked him about it. That’s beside the point, though—point is, Roxas really likes Axel. So he should be able to bring this up with him just fine.
But…
“It’s probably because I’ve had a lot on my plate these past few days,” Roxas says, or more like mumbles. “You know, I’ve been trying to work twice as hard while Xion’s asleep. Maybe that’s why.”
Roxas knows he doesn’t sound very convincing. What he’s saying is true, but at the same time it’s not really true, because while he’s definitely anxious about Xion, it’s something else that’s weighing him down, as Axel put it. It’s something other than Xion that’s been on his mind.
He wants to talk about it with Axel. He can feel it in his throat, like a lump. In his chest, like a knot. He wants to bring it up. Why can’t he bring it up?
Axel frowns, leaning back into his palm where it’s resting on the ledge of the clock tower. “…Yeah, I’m worried about her too, man.” But there’s hesitation his voice, somewhere at the back of it. “That it, though? To be honest, it seems to me that whatever’s got you down has had you down since before Xion collapsed.”
Roxas’s ice cream kind of just hangs from his hold as he sits there, quiet. “It’s nothing.” he says after a moment. "Really."
Another moment passes, the silence the same. Axel nods. “All right. It’s okay if you don’t want to talk about it. I just wanted to let you know that whatever’s going on, I’m here for you, Roxas. Always am.”
“Thanks, Axel.” Roxas says it with a smile, a small one. A few more bites and his and Axel’s ice creams have been eaten down to the sticks. His doesn’t say WINNER this time, and he guesses that Axel’s doesn’t either.
Roxas sets his popsicle stick down on the ledge beside him. He wants to talk with Axel about what’s on his mind. It shouldn’t be this hard—he just has to come out and start talking about it. Easy enough. At least, it should be that easy. But he’s holding back.
“Hey, not to change the topic or anything, but…” Axel puts his hand in his pocket and takes out the piece of paper. With a swivel of his thumb, what looked like a single slip of paper to start with now smoothly fans out into two identical pieces, each with words printed on in glossy letters.
“I got you something,” Axel says. “Well, I got one for me, too, but only cuz I wanted to take you, and I can’t do that unless I have one as well.”
Roxas takes one of the papers from Axel’s hand. “‘Admit One: The Eventide Express’,” he reads aloud. “What is this?” Roxas turns the paper over to see if there’s anything on the other side. There are a series of lines printed in black on the other side, with some numbers beneath them.
“It’s a ticket. You know that train that goes in and out of the sunset every day?” Pointing, Axel draws a line out to the track that runs from the station beneath their feet into the horizon. He leans into Roxas as he points and his shoulder brushes against Roxas’s. “Well, this slip of paper right here will let you ride it. So if you’re feeling up to it at some point, we could ride the train together, you and I. My treat.”
“Oh.” Roxas swallows. He turns the ticket over again, rereading the words on the front. The Eventide Express. That’s the purple train, the one with the big gold stars on the sides of the carriage, right? It’s always stood out against the dusty orange of Twilight Town, chugging into the distance and back again, only one carriage strong. And Axel got this for him? “Wow. …How did you even get this without being seen?”
Axel shrugs. “Hey, who said anything about not being seen? I mean, how do you think I get our ice cream every day?”
“Ha ha, okay.” Roxas is smiling. “Thanks, Axel. I don’t know what I did to deserve this, but… thanks.”
“I thought you’d need a little something like a distraction. To get away from it all even for just one afternoon.”
Honestly, that does sound pretty good right now, Roxas has to admit. Even better if it’s with Axel. “Where does the train go to?”
“About that.” Axel pockets his ticket. “I’ve been told the destination’s a mystery until you board. So I guess we’ll find out, huh?”
Roxas laughs at that. “What if it takes us right back to the castle?” he jokes. “Or all the way out to the end of the world?” …That was weird. ’The end of the world’? Where did that come from?
But Axel laughs right back with him as if Roxas said it on purpose. “Hey, to the ends of the earth and back again could make for a pretty fun adventure.”
Roxas tries laughing along, but that knot in his chest’s still tight, maybe tighter. That last part came to him out of nowhere… or so he wants to think. If he’s being honest with himself, really being honest, he might actually have some idea of where it came from, and it’s the thing he’s struggling to bring up with Axel, afraid of what will happen if he does start talking about it.
Stop it, Roxas. If you can’t talk about it with Axel, then you can’t talk about it with anyone, and then there’s no point in thinking about it at all right now. Think about it later, when you’re back in your room. It’s just gonna get you down if you think about it now.
All Roxas can do is change the topic. “I guess there’s no point in our castle having its own railroad, anyway, not when we all come and go by dark corridor all the time.”
“Exactly.” Axel gazes out at the horizon. “Nah, this train’ll take us someplace special, I’d say. And if it doesn’t, at least the trip itself will be out of the ordinary.”
“It sounds great.” Roxas slips the ticket into his pocket and covers Axel’s hand with his own. “I mean that. It sounds great, Axel.”
Axel blushes. “W-Well, you just say when and we’ll go, okay? These tickets don’t have an expiry date.”
Right now, Roxas wants to say. But it’s already gotten so late. “How about after work tomorrow?”
Tomorrow is Day 177. Roxas meets Axel on the plaza tile outside Twilight Town’s Central Station. They usually meet each other up top where the clock is, so it’s a little novel seeing Axel here at the bottom today. Axel’s leaning against one of the pillars outside the station entrance, hips brushing the shrubs planted near the steps, arms crossed. He looks so nice in the sun, even when it’s setting. The light makes his cheeks glow.
Roxas smiles, the dark corridor closing behind him as he heads over. “I came as soon as I finished for the day,” he says. “You were right—not sticking around to do a little extra work afterward saved me a lot of time.”
“See?” Axel says, pressing a kiss to Roxas’s forehead before they start climbing the steps up to the station entrance. “Some days you just gotta let yourself kick back a little. Nobody wants to stay back at work when they have a hot date planned for the afternoon.”
“That's true. I do feel a little bad about it, though."
“Nah, don’t. Even if you weren’t doing extra to make up for Xion, they can’t expect you to work hard all the time. Or any of us, really. I mean, we work weekends week after week as it is. A little slacking off should be expected every now and then. Anyway, what kind of mission did they send you out on this time?”
“Nothing special,” says Roxas. “Thankfully. Just had to run around and gather hearts over in Never Land, that world I was telling you about the other day, the one where I flew. Honestly, it was a pretty easy mission to blow off. What about you?”
There’s a shrug. “Recon for me,” says Axel, as the glass doors slide open and they enter the station. “Went to this place called Christmastown, but the only thing my recon turned up was snow, lights, and candy-canes. Nice little town, but it looks like it’s not gonna be much use to the Organization.”
“What makes you say that?”
“Oh, a few things. There aren’t any Heartless there, for starters.” Axel flashes his ticket at the front office, and Roxas hurriedly pats down his pocket, looking for his.
“Huh? A place without Heartless?” he says, astonished. He finds his ticket and holds it up, same as Axel did. “Are you sure they didn’t send you out on another vacation for the day?”
“If they did, I really let it go to waste. Should’ve spent less time studying candy-canes and more time eating them."
“What, candy-canes? Well, they’re something kids get around Christmastime… which is like a special time of the year where everyone gives each other presents, and you see people you haven’t seen in a while and eat food until you feel sick. A candy-cane is a kind of food you only have at Christmas.”
“Weird. What’s it like?”
Axel’s thinking. “It’s a bit like sea salt ice cream, just not as cold. And not as blue. And you can eat the stick, which you can’t do with sea salt ice cream. Hrm, maybe the only thing it has in common with sea salt ice cream is how sticky it is.” Axel scratches the back of his head. “It really is sticky, though. Gets all over your fingers and lips and everything.”
“You’re making me hungry.” Roxas laughs. “So instead of having sea salt ice cream at Christmastime, you have candy-canes instead?”
“Yeah! You could say that. Tell ya what, Roxas, next time Christmas comes around in our world, I’ll get us some candy-canes—you, me, and Xion—and we’ll have them up at the clock tower.”
“That sounds great, Axel. Hopefully Xion will be awake by then.”
“Yeah.” Axel’s smiling right back at Roxas. “And if she’s not, then we’ll just wait until she is, okay? We can have our own Christmas, just the three of us.”
They’ve just entered the station proper when Axel comes to a stop. “…Well, well, would ya look at that,” he says, cheerily. “We made it right on time, Roxas. Train’s already boarding.”
The train might have caught Axel’s attention, but Roxas’s is all over the place—literally. He walks around in a circle, his gaze darting from the rows of tracks to the rafters up above, taking it all in. “This place is huge.”
“Yeah, it’s no shoebox. Guess that’s what it gets for being the Central Station.”
Roxas is short enough on a usual day, but he’s never felt so small as he does now, looking up at the ceiling overhead. He should’ve expected it to be so high up, given how much of a climb it is up to the station clock tower every day—but he never really thought about what was inside the clock tower until now, so what is inside comes as a surprise.
…What’s inside, huh?
Roxas draws back. Without making eye contact, he finds Axel’s hand and takes ahold of it.
Axel notices—the cheer in his voice is gone. “Hey.” He squeezes Roxas’s hand. “You doing all right?”
“A little overwhelmed,” Roxas admits, though he doesn’t admit what it is he’s so overwhelmed by. He’s trying not to think about it.
To Roxas’s relief, and gratitude, Axel doesn’t ask for details. “I getcha. Well, wanna board the train? I know it looks big as a shop from the outside, but trust me, it’ll be nice and cozy once we’re on board.”
This time Roxas does focus on the train. Axel's not kidding: in person, the train’s nowhere near as tiny as it always looked gliding in and out of the horizon.
It’s beautiful, though, the train. Up close, Roxas can see that each of the windows along its side are shaped like stars. He’d never noticed that—well, it’d been hard to notice a detail like that, only ever watching the train from a distance.
“So, where’d you wanna sit? Got plenty of options to choose from,” Axel says once they’re aboard. He gestures at the train interior, which is empty.
“Do you think it makes a difference?” says Roxas, honestly. “All the seats are the same.”
“True enough. But where you sit affects what you get to see through the windows. Let’s see… if the train’s traveling in this direction… then seats on this side will face the town on the way up, and seats on that side will look out on to the horizon.”
Axel’s… put so much thought into this. All of this for him, Roxas thinks. All this to help cheer him up, to get him away from it all—Xion, work, the thoughts that have been getting him down lately, all of it. Axel doesn’t even know what’s been getting him down these past few days and he still wants to help. Roxas’s feels warm inside. Hopeful, maybe. Definitely special. Axel makes him feel really special. Roxas never wants to lose what they have. He frowns. He never wants to lose what they have.
They end up sitting on the left-hand side. Axel’s idea. They’re sitting beside each other the way they sit in their usual spot up on the clock tower. Roxas’s idea. The seats of the train are soft beneath them, way softer than their beds back at the castle are (and the sofas in the Grey Room are just slate metal to sit on, so there’s no competition there, either). Roxas lets out an easy sigh.
“This has got to be the most comfortable seats I’ve ever sat in,” he says. A bell rings overhead. Roxas waits for it to stop ringing before he continues. There's a hiss near the entrance and the train doors fold in. “Seriously, Axel. I don’t know how to thank you enough for this.”
Axel waggles his eyebrows suggestively.
Roxas elbows him. “Have you even seen where we are right now?”
“I mean, we ARE the only ones on board…”
“Hey, at least let me get used to riding a train before I start riding anything else on it,” says Roxas, laughing. As if it wants to get in on their conversation, too, the train blows its whistle—but whoa, the whistle sounds way louder now that Roxas isn’t sitting a hundred miles above it. The floor beneath Roxas’s feet rumbles and the train heaves forward though to Roxas it feel like sideways.
Roxas presses back into his seat. His hand takes Axel’s to hold on tightly to as the train pushes away from the station.
The train’s moving slow to start with, but already it feels so unusual, the rocking of the seat and how unsteady the floor has become. Roxas braces himself just in case the train speeds up.
Axel, meanwhile, is leaning back in his seat beside Roxas. His head’s resting near one of the windows, red tips of his hair brushing against the window frame. He squeezes Roxas’s hand, and Roxas tries squeezing right back until he realizes he’s already gripping Axel’s hand tight.
“When was the last time you rode one of these?” Roxas asks. Light starts shuttering in through the windows as the train moves through a tunnel. For a few moments, the afternoon makes flickering, starry shapes on the carriage floor.
Axel tilts his head in thought. “Hmm… Would have been back when…” He sits up in his seat. “Well, it definitely would have been back before I became a Nobody.”
“Right.” Axel’s talked about this before—the memories he has of who he used to be. It’s gotta be nice, having all those memories of the past. Roxas doesn’t have anything like that.
All he has is his diary—which he doesn’t write in every day—and his name—which he barely remembers how he got in the first place—and those weird… those weird pictures, the ones that have been flashing in his mind lately, the ones that have been flashing in his mind a lot more often these past few days, the ones that he can’t stop thinking about, doesn’t get, told himself he wouldn’t— wouldn’t think about today, of all days—
“…Roxas? Everything okay?”
The inside of the carriage is drenched through with the light of the afternoon now, but it takes Roxas a moment to notice, same as it takes him a moment to realize Axel’s waving his hand in front of his face. “Huh?”
“Hey now, I thought your zombie days were over,” Axel jokes, but Roxas isn’t in the mood for jokes and Axel notices. He frowns. “What’s up?”
About to start talking, Roxas stops himself, presses his lips together, angry with himself. He balls both his fists in his lap, hunching forward. Come on, he told himself he wouldn’t think about those pictures today. Why would he even want to think about them, when every time he thinks about them, he feels so… so lost?
Roxas is surprised when Axel scoots close and wraps his arm around his shoulders. He’s maybe even more surprised by how reassuring Axel’s arm feels—reassuring enough to make the anger fade from his fists and face, at least. Roxas sighs. It’s really reassuring. When Axel holds him like this, he doesn’t feel so guarded, so afraid.
“I wanna talk about it,” he's surprised to hear himself say, finally, staring down at what used to be fists but are now just hands.
“Don’t force yourself,” Axel replies, not even needing to ask what Roxas is referring to. Somehow that’s really encouraging, too. “I’m here to listen whenever you feel ready, but that can be anytime, okay, Roxas? Doesn’t have to be now.”
Roxas leans into Axel. Through the windows, Twilight Town looks so small and it’s getting even smaller—the clock tower could be as tall a matchstick from here. It’s all fading into the horizon.
“Axel,” Roxas starts, then pauses, testing out the words in his head before saying them out loud, “when you remember the past, what does that feel like? Do you see it in your head, or is it just a thought?”
Axel’s rubbing Roxas’s shoulder—that feels nice. “Sometimes,” says Axel. “Depends on how important the memory is, I s’pose. if it’s really rather important, I’ll remember the whole of it: where I was at the time, what everything around me looked like…”
“And if it’s not that important?”
“Then I remember it like a fact.”
Roxas tilts his head up to look up at Axel, confused.
“Okay, I’ll give you an example. There was this one time when Vexen complained to me about all the errands Marluxia and Zexion were getting him to run. Now, I couldn’t tell you where I was when this happened, what time of day it was. But I CAN tell you what Vexen said, because that’s what I remember—the gist of it. Does that make sense?”
“I think so.” Roxas furrows his brow. “And you know those memories actually happened to you once, right, Axel? It’s not like you’re remembering stuff that… uhm, well, stuff that you don’t remember happening?”
With his other hand, Axel scratches the back of his head. His turn to be confused. “I know my memories are mine, if that’s what you mean.”
If Roxas is gonna talk about this with Axel, he has to stop talking around it. He swallows. He shouldn’t be afraid like this. Axel’s his best friend. Axel’s his partner. Come on. He’s done things with Axel he never thought he could do with anyone. This shouldn’t be so hard.
Roxas takes in a breath. “That’s exactly what I mean, Axel. Lately, um, these—these strange pictures have been flashing through my head…”
Axel nods, listening, encouraging Roxas to keep going. …Can he keep going?
“There’s this boy in the pictures,” Roxas tries. “He always appears whenever I’m sent out on a mission to a place I’ve never been before. I see him where I’m standing. He’s running around when I’m running around. Sometimes there’s even a Keyblade in his hand, and it looks just like mine. I’d assume the boy was supposed to be my shadow, but the thing is that he looks so… so different than me.”
“Different how?”
“I never see his face, but he’s always wearing these red clothes, which,” Roxas gestures down at his black denim coat, “I never wear. Though I’m not sure I could describe his clothes to you very well. Or him. The pictures always fade away as soon as they’ve appeared, so I only get to see him for a moment at a time.”
“The pictures keep appearing, though.” Roxas brings his shoulders to his ears, which accidentally dislodges Axel’s arm from him. The comfort’s gone, and his shoulders feel cold. “They keep flashing in my head. Have… you ever had anything like that happen to you, Axel?”
The carriage is filled with quiet for a moment. Roxas hates how hopeful he is that Axel will say yes—especially when Axel finally lets out a sigh and says everything but. “Sorry, Roxas. I can’t say I have.”
“No, it’s fine.” Roxas says it even though his face is burning up and nothing about this is fine. If he couldn’t even write about this in his diary, why’d he think he could talk about it with Axel?
Axel doesn’t know what Roxas is talking about, anyway. He should probably let this go, just stop talking about it. “I don’t get it,” he goes on. “Who’s that boy in red supposed to be? I’ve never met him. I know my memory’s not that great, but I’m sure I’d remember if I’d ever met someone like that, especially if he had a Keyblade, too. As far as I can remember, though, me and Xion are the only ones who’ve ever had one.”
“So he’s not your shadow,” Axel says, “and he’s not someone you’ve met before. Then…”
“What if he’s me?” Roxas whispers. “What if he’s… who I used to be? And I just forgot, like how I forgot about everything else?” He chokes up as he says it, almost wanting to stop himself, take it back. The clacking beneath their feet gives out like the train’s switched tracks, and Roxas wishes he could wind the train backward, let this moment play out again but this time without any stupid outburst from him.
“I shouldn’t have brought it up,” Roxas mutters, fumbling for the right words, though it’s a waste of effort—he’s already let all the wrong ones fall out. He sits up, but he’s not facing Axel. He’s facing the other side of the carriage, instead, the side where no one else is sitting. “Sorry.”
“Roxas—what?” Axel grabs Roxas’s shoulder, the one that’s nearest to him. He tries getting Roxas to look at him. “Roxas, you don’t hafta apologize!”
“I mean it, though,” says Roxas, staring at the floor. He’s slumping under Axel’s hand. “I wouldn’t have brought it up if I knew how messed up it’d sound out loud. Like I’m broken.”
“What the hell?” Axel tugs on Roxas’s shoulder again, more insistently, really trying to get Roxas to at least look at him. Not wanting to put up a fight, Roxas gives in and lifts his head. Axel seems so upset. “‘Broken’?” Axel exclaims. ”You’re not broken, okay?”
“Then what am I?” Roxas hangs his head. “I don’t have memories of my time before, not like you do.”
“So? Neither does Xion,” Axel retorts. “Does that make her broken?”
“What?! No, of course it doesn’t!”
“See? So why should you be any different?”
“But she probably doesn’t get attacked by these same stupid pictures I do.”
Axel frowns. “Have you actually asked her that?”
...He had thought about asking her a few times, back when he and she would team up on missions. But... “No,” Roxas admits, with a sigh. He never found the right time to ask her. “I guess I haven’t.”
“You’re not broken, Roxas,” says Axel. “Trust me on this. I know what broken looks like. You’re not that.”
“I don’t remember ever being the boy in red. But my memories don’t work the same way everyone else’s do. What if there’s something inside me I don’t know about, Axel? What if I’m a different person than I’ve always thought I was?”
Axel lets go of Roxas’s shoulder, his hands coming down to settle on whatever bit of seat’s between them. “Then that’s okay. You know what, you probably were a different person before you became a Nobody. But so was I. So was Saïx. So were the others. It doesn’t make you any less the person you are now.” Axel presses his finger to Roxas’s chest—which, through everything, Roxas thinks is a little strange. He doesn’t have anything in his chest.
“Truth be told, who you used to be doesn’t matter to me. What does matter to me is who you are now. You’re Roxas. R-O-X-A-S.” He taps Roxas’s chest as he spells each letter. “You’re my partner.”
“When we do complete Kingdom Hearts,” whispers Roxas, “and become complete again, what if I change back to that person? What if I become that boy in red again. What then?”
“Well,” Axel says, “sounds to me like I’ll have an excuse to get to know you even better.” Roxas doesn’t get why Axel’s smiling right now. “You could wear red. You could wear black. Heh, you could wear nothing at all. No matter what, I’d still love you, Roxas. Come here.”
Roxas's breath seems to stop. Not because Axel’s wrapping his arms around Roxas. Not because Axel’s arms are warm and strong around Roxas’s body, pulling the two of them close together. Axel’s kiss falls atop Roxas’s head like the first drop of rain and sometimes you need the rain. Roxas’s breath is gone for a while, or he might have caught it so fast it doesn’t feel like he’s holding it at all. That word.
Through the star-shaped window, the sunset spills across the sky the same way warmth begins to spill across Roxas’s face, seeping into his cheeks, up to his ears. He can feel it in his fingertips, too, the warmth. It fills his palms until his hands are full. His hands cover Axel’s where Axel is holding him and their fingers lock together. Roxas has no idea when he begins breathing again, but it returns to him slow and gentle as the tide. That word.
A bend in the track up ahead causes the train to tilt. Roxas tilts with it, falling into Axel until his head’s against Axel’s chest. Well, he’ll leave it there. It feels right. Roxas lets out a breath. His ears lift a little as he smiles and he buries his smile into Axel’s chest, breathing.
Awhile later, a bell starts ringing on the other end of the carriage. Roxas’s head shifts as Axel sits up. Blinking, and still in Axel’s arms, Roxas lifts his head.
“Looks like we’re arriving, baby,” Axel whispers.
The train’s coming to a stop, Roxas can feel it in the way the rumblings beneath his seat are starting to slow down. He can see it through the window, the way the sunset isn’t moving by so fast anymore.
Once the train’s drawn still, Axel lifts his head. “Wanna go see where we’ve ended up?”
“Can we?” All Roxas is seeing in the windows opposite are the orange clouds bunched up along the horizon and lonely green triangles pushing through the hazy clouds. The green triangles are so small that Roxas can’t tell if they’re mountains… or the tops of some really big trees. Does it matter either way?
“There’s your answer,” says Axel, cocking his head as the doors on either end of the carriage press open. “Shall we?”
The sole of Roxas’s shoe lands on soft grass as he steps through the door. Still holding Axel’s hand, Roxas helps Axel down on to the grass after him, not that Axel needs much help with that. But still.
Axel lands with a thud on the grass. He glances around, then pauses. “Hey, Roxas. Look up.”
Roxas does. “Woah.” He blinks. “…When did that happen?”
“Dunno. Maybe a while ago. The train must’ve been hemming too low for us to see the sky,” says Axel.
Different than the sky over Twilight Town, and nothing like the sky above the castle, the sky here has no ceiling. It's purple and sparkling and it reminds Roxas of the ocean beneath Never Land. It just keeps going, and going, and going.
“I wish she was here,” Roxas thinks aloud. “Er, the fairy from Never Land, I mean.” Of course Roxas wishes Xion was here with them, but admittedly that wasn’t what he was getting at with this. (He and Axel will have to bring Xion here, though. She deserves to see this, too.)
“…Tinker Bell, I think her name was,” Roxas continues. “She’s the one who showed me how to fly. I wish she was here right now so she could show you how to do it, too. Then we could fly up there. See the stars up close.”
With his gaze tuned to the sky, Roxas doesn’t see Axel squeeze his hand, just feels it. “Check it out,” says Axel, bringing Roxas’s gaze back down to the earth. Axel himself’s looking at something just up ahead. Roxas follows his gaze and finds a funny-looking castle at the end of it, tall and crooked and wearing a series of poky hats.
“We could even fly right up to the top of that,” says Axel. “Sit on the roof and have ice cream together. Hey, maybe we could even teach her how to fly, so we can all sit up on the roof at the top, all three of us.”
Roxas smiles. “Yeah. She’d love it here.”
They walk around, careful not to get too close to the castle in case the wooden doors open and someone comes out. This place isn’t like Twilight Town or anywhere else, Axel says. Out here, they really should be careful no one sees them. Oddly enough, Roxas gets the same feeling, even though he has no idea where they are, and is pretty sure Axel doesn’t, either.
Well, wherever they are, it’s like time is paused here, or has stopped altogether. Or maybe doesn’t exist at all. Standing on the dewy grass with his hand in Axel’s—the sky this big endless thing above them—Roxas could forget he had work today. He could forget about his job altogether. He could even forget about Kingdom Hearts. If he and Axel stay here, maybe they’ll never have to finish Kingdom Hearts, and then Roxas would never have to worry about becoming a complete person. He could stay the way he is now. He wouldn’t have to change.
He likes being Roxas. If he had the choice, he wouldn’t want to be the boy in red or anyone else. But he shouldn’t be afraid of changing, either. Axel said it’s okay to change. In fact, Axel said that even if Roxas did change, he’d still… he’d still feel the same way about Roxas that he feels now. Roxas thinks about Xion. What would she say, if he asked her? Somehow he gets the feeling she would say the same thing Axel said.
Well, what if their situations were reversed? If Xion started to change, would Roxas still want to be her friend? If Axel started to change, would Roxas still.. still...
The bell of the train rings in the distance. Roxas frowns. They’ll have to go home soon.
“I wish we could stay.” Roxas sighs.
“Me too, baby. Me too. But hey.” Axel's gazing down at Roxas. “Having to leave doesn’t mean we can’t come back. I’ll make sure there’s a next time.”
Roxas smiles at that. He smiles at all of it, honestly. “Thanks for bringing me here today, Axel. I didn’t know how much I needed this.”
“You know, I meant what I said.” Axel’s smile touches his eyes. “I’m always here for you, Roxas. Even when you’re dealing with the heavy things, no matter how heavy, you never have to shoulder that burden alone, okay? I’ll always be here to shoulder it with ya, ride it out by your side until it’s done and gone.”
Roxas doesn’t know what to say. There are so many things he could say. “Hey, Axel, before, on the train…” There’s only one thing that feels right to say. Roxas shakes his head, laughs, lets his head rest against Axel’s chest as they stand where they are, and sighs. The world’s all around them. This time, Roxas doesn’t have to overthink it. It comes to him as naturally as breathing. “I love you, too.”
Roxas laughs a little more when Axel suddenly draws back to meet him eye to eye. Axel’s eyes are so wide above his tattoos and he’s blinking fast, his eyes darting around like he’s searching for something. “Roxas. What did you say?”
“Hey, you said it first.” Roxas beams—can’t help it. It’s the least he can do to express the way he feels right now. He’s had bursts of happiness before, but this kind of joy is like a light that only gets brighter. “I want you to know it’s no matter what. So even if you changed someday. Even if you became someone else. In this life and in the next one, Axel. I’d still love you, too.”
Rating: Teen
Pairing/Characters: Axel/Roxas
Word Count: 6,280 words
Additional/Content Warnings: Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Train Trips
Summary:
Roxas has a lot to figure out, no idea how to talk about it, or if he even should... but a surprise from Axel and an afternoon out of the ordinary might help him make up his mind, in more ways than one.
There are ice creams in Axel’s hands, but there’s something else, too. A piece of paper? It’s thin and white and small, maybe the same size as the ice cream, so from a distance Roxas can’t really make out what it’s supposed to be, a piece of paper or something else.
Curious, Roxas tries getting a better look at it once Axel comes around to sit down in his usual spot beside him. The other spot, the one on Roxas’s left, is empty, same as it’s been the past four days in a row.
“Sorry I took awhile,” says Axel. “I had something to take care of on the way over.” He leans over to hand Roxas one of the ice creams, keeping his own in his other hand. He tucks what is definitely a piece of paper into his pocket. “Hope you didn’t miss me too much.”
“I missed you a lot, actually.” It sounds like Roxas is teasing, but he’s being honest. “Hard not to. Thanks." Taking the ice cream from Axel, Roxas holds it thoughtfully in his hand for a moment, then brings it to his lips and takes a bite.
There’s a crunch as Axel does the same, but other than that it’s quiet where they sit. Two days ago, they’d come up here and talked about work, and yesterday Roxas told Axel all about flying around while on his mission in Never Land—just the dumbest stuff. Today, it seems like they aren’t going to talk about much at all.
Usually, Roxas wouldn’t have a problem with that. He likes that there are days when he and Axel can just sit here and enjoy each other’s company. They don’t have to talk all the time. Some days they’re too exhausted after work to talk. Some days they don’t have the energy to lay flat on the brick and kiss until it’s time to RTC. Some days it’s enough to enjoy the icing on the cake together in comfortable silence. Today’s silence isn’t so comfortable, though. At least, not to Roxas it isn’t.
It’d be different if Roxas could figure out a way to bring up what’s been on his mind lately. But he doesn’t know how to. Part of him still isn’t sure he wants to talk about it at all. Either way, it hangs over him the way the shadows do when his hood is pulled up over his head.
"Hey, Roxas?" Staring out at the sunset deep in thought, Roxas doesn’t expect the hand that’s placed on his shoulder, and the sudden touch makes him start a little. But Axel’s hand is gentle and soft on his body as it always is, and Roxas eases up just as quickly.
“Correct me if I’m wrong, okay?” Axel continues. “Lately I’ve been getting the feeling that something’s been weighing you down.”
It’s like Axel can read his mind or see right through him or something. Roxas sighs, his shoulder wilting beneath Axel’s hand.
“Well,” Roxas starts. Maybe he should talk about it. Okay. He just needs to figure out where to begin. “I guess I haven’t been feeling great lately.”
If he’s gonna bring it up, then now’s gotta be the best time to bring it up. Right? This is Axel, after all. Roxas can talk about anything with Axel. He’s let Axel kiss him. He’s kissed him back. They’ve done a lot more than that, too. He—he likes Axel. A lot… more than a lot. There’s a word for that. Axel explained it to him the other day, though Axel was definitely surprised that Roxas had asked him about it. That’s beside the point, though—point is, Roxas really likes Axel. So he should be able to bring this up with him just fine.
But…
“It’s probably because I’ve had a lot on my plate these past few days,” Roxas says, or more like mumbles. “You know, I’ve been trying to work twice as hard while Xion’s asleep. Maybe that’s why.”
Roxas knows he doesn’t sound very convincing. What he’s saying is true, but at the same time it’s not really true, because while he’s definitely anxious about Xion, it’s something else that’s weighing him down, as Axel put it. It’s something other than Xion that’s been on his mind.
He wants to talk about it with Axel. He can feel it in his throat, like a lump. In his chest, like a knot. He wants to bring it up. Why can’t he bring it up?
Axel frowns, leaning back into his palm where it’s resting on the ledge of the clock tower. “…Yeah, I’m worried about her too, man.” But there’s hesitation his voice, somewhere at the back of it. “That it, though? To be honest, it seems to me that whatever’s got you down has had you down since before Xion collapsed.”
Roxas’s ice cream kind of just hangs from his hold as he sits there, quiet. “It’s nothing.” he says after a moment. "Really."
Another moment passes, the silence the same. Axel nods. “All right. It’s okay if you don’t want to talk about it. I just wanted to let you know that whatever’s going on, I’m here for you, Roxas. Always am.”
“Thanks, Axel.” Roxas says it with a smile, a small one. A few more bites and his and Axel’s ice creams have been eaten down to the sticks. His doesn’t say WINNER this time, and he guesses that Axel’s doesn’t either.
Roxas sets his popsicle stick down on the ledge beside him. He wants to talk with Axel about what’s on his mind. It shouldn’t be this hard—he just has to come out and start talking about it. Easy enough. At least, it should be that easy. But he’s holding back.
“Hey, not to change the topic or anything, but…” Axel puts his hand in his pocket and takes out the piece of paper. With a swivel of his thumb, what looked like a single slip of paper to start with now smoothly fans out into two identical pieces, each with words printed on in glossy letters.
“I got you something,” Axel says. “Well, I got one for me, too, but only cuz I wanted to take you, and I can’t do that unless I have one as well.”
Roxas takes one of the papers from Axel’s hand. “‘Admit One: The Eventide Express’,” he reads aloud. “What is this?” Roxas turns the paper over to see if there’s anything on the other side. There are a series of lines printed in black on the other side, with some numbers beneath them.
“It’s a ticket. You know that train that goes in and out of the sunset every day?” Pointing, Axel draws a line out to the track that runs from the station beneath their feet into the horizon. He leans into Roxas as he points and his shoulder brushes against Roxas’s. “Well, this slip of paper right here will let you ride it. So if you’re feeling up to it at some point, we could ride the train together, you and I. My treat.”
“Oh.” Roxas swallows. He turns the ticket over again, rereading the words on the front. The Eventide Express. That’s the purple train, the one with the big gold stars on the sides of the carriage, right? It’s always stood out against the dusty orange of Twilight Town, chugging into the distance and back again, only one carriage strong. And Axel got this for him? “Wow. …How did you even get this without being seen?”
Axel shrugs. “Hey, who said anything about not being seen? I mean, how do you think I get our ice cream every day?”
“Ha ha, okay.” Roxas is smiling. “Thanks, Axel. I don’t know what I did to deserve this, but… thanks.”
“I thought you’d need a little something like a distraction. To get away from it all even for just one afternoon.”
Honestly, that does sound pretty good right now, Roxas has to admit. Even better if it’s with Axel. “Where does the train go to?”
“About that.” Axel pockets his ticket. “I’ve been told the destination’s a mystery until you board. So I guess we’ll find out, huh?”
Roxas laughs at that. “What if it takes us right back to the castle?” he jokes. “Or all the way out to the end of the world?” …That was weird. ’The end of the world’? Where did that come from?
But Axel laughs right back with him as if Roxas said it on purpose. “Hey, to the ends of the earth and back again could make for a pretty fun adventure.”
Roxas tries laughing along, but that knot in his chest’s still tight, maybe tighter. That last part came to him out of nowhere… or so he wants to think. If he’s being honest with himself, really being honest, he might actually have some idea of where it came from, and it’s the thing he’s struggling to bring up with Axel, afraid of what will happen if he does start talking about it.
Stop it, Roxas. If you can’t talk about it with Axel, then you can’t talk about it with anyone, and then there’s no point in thinking about it at all right now. Think about it later, when you’re back in your room. It’s just gonna get you down if you think about it now.
All Roxas can do is change the topic. “I guess there’s no point in our castle having its own railroad, anyway, not when we all come and go by dark corridor all the time.”
“Exactly.” Axel gazes out at the horizon. “Nah, this train’ll take us someplace special, I’d say. And if it doesn’t, at least the trip itself will be out of the ordinary.”
“It sounds great.” Roxas slips the ticket into his pocket and covers Axel’s hand with his own. “I mean that. It sounds great, Axel.”
Axel blushes. “W-Well, you just say when and we’ll go, okay? These tickets don’t have an expiry date.”
Right now, Roxas wants to say. But it’s already gotten so late. “How about after work tomorrow?”
Tomorrow is Day 177. Roxas meets Axel on the plaza tile outside Twilight Town’s Central Station. They usually meet each other up top where the clock is, so it’s a little novel seeing Axel here at the bottom today. Axel’s leaning against one of the pillars outside the station entrance, hips brushing the shrubs planted near the steps, arms crossed. He looks so nice in the sun, even when it’s setting. The light makes his cheeks glow.
Roxas smiles, the dark corridor closing behind him as he heads over. “I came as soon as I finished for the day,” he says. “You were right—not sticking around to do a little extra work afterward saved me a lot of time.”
“See?” Axel says, pressing a kiss to Roxas’s forehead before they start climbing the steps up to the station entrance. “Some days you just gotta let yourself kick back a little. Nobody wants to stay back at work when they have a hot date planned for the afternoon.”
“That's true. I do feel a little bad about it, though."
“Nah, don’t. Even if you weren’t doing extra to make up for Xion, they can’t expect you to work hard all the time. Or any of us, really. I mean, we work weekends week after week as it is. A little slacking off should be expected every now and then. Anyway, what kind of mission did they send you out on this time?”
“Nothing special,” says Roxas. “Thankfully. Just had to run around and gather hearts over in Never Land, that world I was telling you about the other day, the one where I flew. Honestly, it was a pretty easy mission to blow off. What about you?”
There’s a shrug. “Recon for me,” says Axel, as the glass doors slide open and they enter the station. “Went to this place called Christmastown, but the only thing my recon turned up was snow, lights, and candy-canes. Nice little town, but it looks like it’s not gonna be much use to the Organization.”
“What makes you say that?”
“Oh, a few things. There aren’t any Heartless there, for starters.” Axel flashes his ticket at the front office, and Roxas hurriedly pats down his pocket, looking for his.
“Huh? A place without Heartless?” he says, astonished. He finds his ticket and holds it up, same as Axel did. “Are you sure they didn’t send you out on another vacation for the day?”
“If they did, I really let it go to waste. Should’ve spent less time studying candy-canes and more time eating them."
“What, candy-canes? Well, they’re something kids get around Christmastime… which is like a special time of the year where everyone gives each other presents, and you see people you haven’t seen in a while and eat food until you feel sick. A candy-cane is a kind of food you only have at Christmas.”
“Weird. What’s it like?”
Axel’s thinking. “It’s a bit like sea salt ice cream, just not as cold. And not as blue. And you can eat the stick, which you can’t do with sea salt ice cream. Hrm, maybe the only thing it has in common with sea salt ice cream is how sticky it is.” Axel scratches the back of his head. “It really is sticky, though. Gets all over your fingers and lips and everything.”
“You’re making me hungry.” Roxas laughs. “So instead of having sea salt ice cream at Christmastime, you have candy-canes instead?”
“Yeah! You could say that. Tell ya what, Roxas, next time Christmas comes around in our world, I’ll get us some candy-canes—you, me, and Xion—and we’ll have them up at the clock tower.”
“That sounds great, Axel. Hopefully Xion will be awake by then.”
“Yeah.” Axel’s smiling right back at Roxas. “And if she’s not, then we’ll just wait until she is, okay? We can have our own Christmas, just the three of us.”
They’ve just entered the station proper when Axel comes to a stop. “…Well, well, would ya look at that,” he says, cheerily. “We made it right on time, Roxas. Train’s already boarding.”
The train might have caught Axel’s attention, but Roxas’s is all over the place—literally. He walks around in a circle, his gaze darting from the rows of tracks to the rafters up above, taking it all in. “This place is huge.”
“Yeah, it’s no shoebox. Guess that’s what it gets for being the Central Station.”
Roxas is short enough on a usual day, but he’s never felt so small as he does now, looking up at the ceiling overhead. He should’ve expected it to be so high up, given how much of a climb it is up to the station clock tower every day—but he never really thought about what was inside the clock tower until now, so what is inside comes as a surprise.
…What’s inside, huh?
Roxas draws back. Without making eye contact, he finds Axel’s hand and takes ahold of it.
Axel notices—the cheer in his voice is gone. “Hey.” He squeezes Roxas’s hand. “You doing all right?”
“A little overwhelmed,” Roxas admits, though he doesn’t admit what it is he’s so overwhelmed by. He’s trying not to think about it.
To Roxas’s relief, and gratitude, Axel doesn’t ask for details. “I getcha. Well, wanna board the train? I know it looks big as a shop from the outside, but trust me, it’ll be nice and cozy once we’re on board.”
This time Roxas does focus on the train. Axel's not kidding: in person, the train’s nowhere near as tiny as it always looked gliding in and out of the horizon.
It’s beautiful, though, the train. Up close, Roxas can see that each of the windows along its side are shaped like stars. He’d never noticed that—well, it’d been hard to notice a detail like that, only ever watching the train from a distance.
“So, where’d you wanna sit? Got plenty of options to choose from,” Axel says once they’re aboard. He gestures at the train interior, which is empty.
“Do you think it makes a difference?” says Roxas, honestly. “All the seats are the same.”
“True enough. But where you sit affects what you get to see through the windows. Let’s see… if the train’s traveling in this direction… then seats on this side will face the town on the way up, and seats on that side will look out on to the horizon.”
Axel’s… put so much thought into this. All of this for him, Roxas thinks. All this to help cheer him up, to get him away from it all—Xion, work, the thoughts that have been getting him down lately, all of it. Axel doesn’t even know what’s been getting him down these past few days and he still wants to help. Roxas’s feels warm inside. Hopeful, maybe. Definitely special. Axel makes him feel really special. Roxas never wants to lose what they have. He frowns. He never wants to lose what they have.
They end up sitting on the left-hand side. Axel’s idea. They’re sitting beside each other the way they sit in their usual spot up on the clock tower. Roxas’s idea. The seats of the train are soft beneath them, way softer than their beds back at the castle are (and the sofas in the Grey Room are just slate metal to sit on, so there’s no competition there, either). Roxas lets out an easy sigh.
“This has got to be the most comfortable seats I’ve ever sat in,” he says. A bell rings overhead. Roxas waits for it to stop ringing before he continues. There's a hiss near the entrance and the train doors fold in. “Seriously, Axel. I don’t know how to thank you enough for this.”
Axel waggles his eyebrows suggestively.
Roxas elbows him. “Have you even seen where we are right now?”
“I mean, we ARE the only ones on board…”
“Hey, at least let me get used to riding a train before I start riding anything else on it,” says Roxas, laughing. As if it wants to get in on their conversation, too, the train blows its whistle—but whoa, the whistle sounds way louder now that Roxas isn’t sitting a hundred miles above it. The floor beneath Roxas’s feet rumbles and the train heaves forward though to Roxas it feel like sideways.
Roxas presses back into his seat. His hand takes Axel’s to hold on tightly to as the train pushes away from the station.
The train’s moving slow to start with, but already it feels so unusual, the rocking of the seat and how unsteady the floor has become. Roxas braces himself just in case the train speeds up.
Axel, meanwhile, is leaning back in his seat beside Roxas. His head’s resting near one of the windows, red tips of his hair brushing against the window frame. He squeezes Roxas’s hand, and Roxas tries squeezing right back until he realizes he’s already gripping Axel’s hand tight.
“When was the last time you rode one of these?” Roxas asks. Light starts shuttering in through the windows as the train moves through a tunnel. For a few moments, the afternoon makes flickering, starry shapes on the carriage floor.
Axel tilts his head in thought. “Hmm… Would have been back when…” He sits up in his seat. “Well, it definitely would have been back before I became a Nobody.”
“Right.” Axel’s talked about this before—the memories he has of who he used to be. It’s gotta be nice, having all those memories of the past. Roxas doesn’t have anything like that.
All he has is his diary—which he doesn’t write in every day—and his name—which he barely remembers how he got in the first place—and those weird… those weird pictures, the ones that have been flashing in his mind lately, the ones that have been flashing in his mind a lot more often these past few days, the ones that he can’t stop thinking about, doesn’t get, told himself he wouldn’t— wouldn’t think about today, of all days—
“…Roxas? Everything okay?”
The inside of the carriage is drenched through with the light of the afternoon now, but it takes Roxas a moment to notice, same as it takes him a moment to realize Axel’s waving his hand in front of his face. “Huh?”
“Hey now, I thought your zombie days were over,” Axel jokes, but Roxas isn’t in the mood for jokes and Axel notices. He frowns. “What’s up?”
About to start talking, Roxas stops himself, presses his lips together, angry with himself. He balls both his fists in his lap, hunching forward. Come on, he told himself he wouldn’t think about those pictures today. Why would he even want to think about them, when every time he thinks about them, he feels so… so lost?
Roxas is surprised when Axel scoots close and wraps his arm around his shoulders. He’s maybe even more surprised by how reassuring Axel’s arm feels—reassuring enough to make the anger fade from his fists and face, at least. Roxas sighs. It’s really reassuring. When Axel holds him like this, he doesn’t feel so guarded, so afraid.
“I wanna talk about it,” he's surprised to hear himself say, finally, staring down at what used to be fists but are now just hands.
“Don’t force yourself,” Axel replies, not even needing to ask what Roxas is referring to. Somehow that’s really encouraging, too. “I’m here to listen whenever you feel ready, but that can be anytime, okay, Roxas? Doesn’t have to be now.”
Roxas leans into Axel. Through the windows, Twilight Town looks so small and it’s getting even smaller—the clock tower could be as tall a matchstick from here. It’s all fading into the horizon.
“Axel,” Roxas starts, then pauses, testing out the words in his head before saying them out loud, “when you remember the past, what does that feel like? Do you see it in your head, or is it just a thought?”
Axel’s rubbing Roxas’s shoulder—that feels nice. “Sometimes,” says Axel. “Depends on how important the memory is, I s’pose. if it’s really rather important, I’ll remember the whole of it: where I was at the time, what everything around me looked like…”
“And if it’s not that important?”
“Then I remember it like a fact.”
Roxas tilts his head up to look up at Axel, confused.
“Okay, I’ll give you an example. There was this one time when Vexen complained to me about all the errands Marluxia and Zexion were getting him to run. Now, I couldn’t tell you where I was when this happened, what time of day it was. But I CAN tell you what Vexen said, because that’s what I remember—the gist of it. Does that make sense?”
“I think so.” Roxas furrows his brow. “And you know those memories actually happened to you once, right, Axel? It’s not like you’re remembering stuff that… uhm, well, stuff that you don’t remember happening?”
With his other hand, Axel scratches the back of his head. His turn to be confused. “I know my memories are mine, if that’s what you mean.”
If Roxas is gonna talk about this with Axel, he has to stop talking around it. He swallows. He shouldn’t be afraid like this. Axel’s his best friend. Axel’s his partner. Come on. He’s done things with Axel he never thought he could do with anyone. This shouldn’t be so hard.
Roxas takes in a breath. “That’s exactly what I mean, Axel. Lately, um, these—these strange pictures have been flashing through my head…”
Axel nods, listening, encouraging Roxas to keep going. …Can he keep going?
“There’s this boy in the pictures,” Roxas tries. “He always appears whenever I’m sent out on a mission to a place I’ve never been before. I see him where I’m standing. He’s running around when I’m running around. Sometimes there’s even a Keyblade in his hand, and it looks just like mine. I’d assume the boy was supposed to be my shadow, but the thing is that he looks so… so different than me.”
“Different how?”
“I never see his face, but he’s always wearing these red clothes, which,” Roxas gestures down at his black denim coat, “I never wear. Though I’m not sure I could describe his clothes to you very well. Or him. The pictures always fade away as soon as they’ve appeared, so I only get to see him for a moment at a time.”
“The pictures keep appearing, though.” Roxas brings his shoulders to his ears, which accidentally dislodges Axel’s arm from him. The comfort’s gone, and his shoulders feel cold. “They keep flashing in my head. Have… you ever had anything like that happen to you, Axel?”
The carriage is filled with quiet for a moment. Roxas hates how hopeful he is that Axel will say yes—especially when Axel finally lets out a sigh and says everything but. “Sorry, Roxas. I can’t say I have.”
“No, it’s fine.” Roxas says it even though his face is burning up and nothing about this is fine. If he couldn’t even write about this in his diary, why’d he think he could talk about it with Axel?
Axel doesn’t know what Roxas is talking about, anyway. He should probably let this go, just stop talking about it. “I don’t get it,” he goes on. “Who’s that boy in red supposed to be? I’ve never met him. I know my memory’s not that great, but I’m sure I’d remember if I’d ever met someone like that, especially if he had a Keyblade, too. As far as I can remember, though, me and Xion are the only ones who’ve ever had one.”
“So he’s not your shadow,” Axel says, “and he’s not someone you’ve met before. Then…”
“What if he’s me?” Roxas whispers. “What if he’s… who I used to be? And I just forgot, like how I forgot about everything else?” He chokes up as he says it, almost wanting to stop himself, take it back. The clacking beneath their feet gives out like the train’s switched tracks, and Roxas wishes he could wind the train backward, let this moment play out again but this time without any stupid outburst from him.
“I shouldn’t have brought it up,” Roxas mutters, fumbling for the right words, though it’s a waste of effort—he’s already let all the wrong ones fall out. He sits up, but he’s not facing Axel. He’s facing the other side of the carriage, instead, the side where no one else is sitting. “Sorry.”
“Roxas—what?” Axel grabs Roxas’s shoulder, the one that’s nearest to him. He tries getting Roxas to look at him. “Roxas, you don’t hafta apologize!”
“I mean it, though,” says Roxas, staring at the floor. He’s slumping under Axel’s hand. “I wouldn’t have brought it up if I knew how messed up it’d sound out loud. Like I’m broken.”
“What the hell?” Axel tugs on Roxas’s shoulder again, more insistently, really trying to get Roxas to at least look at him. Not wanting to put up a fight, Roxas gives in and lifts his head. Axel seems so upset. “‘Broken’?” Axel exclaims. ”You’re not broken, okay?”
“Then what am I?” Roxas hangs his head. “I don’t have memories of my time before, not like you do.”
“So? Neither does Xion,” Axel retorts. “Does that make her broken?”
“What?! No, of course it doesn’t!”
“See? So why should you be any different?”
“But she probably doesn’t get attacked by these same stupid pictures I do.”
Axel frowns. “Have you actually asked her that?”
...He had thought about asking her a few times, back when he and she would team up on missions. But... “No,” Roxas admits, with a sigh. He never found the right time to ask her. “I guess I haven’t.”
“You’re not broken, Roxas,” says Axel. “Trust me on this. I know what broken looks like. You’re not that.”
“I don’t remember ever being the boy in red. But my memories don’t work the same way everyone else’s do. What if there’s something inside me I don’t know about, Axel? What if I’m a different person than I’ve always thought I was?”
Axel lets go of Roxas’s shoulder, his hands coming down to settle on whatever bit of seat’s between them. “Then that’s okay. You know what, you probably were a different person before you became a Nobody. But so was I. So was Saïx. So were the others. It doesn’t make you any less the person you are now.” Axel presses his finger to Roxas’s chest—which, through everything, Roxas thinks is a little strange. He doesn’t have anything in his chest.
“Truth be told, who you used to be doesn’t matter to me. What does matter to me is who you are now. You’re Roxas. R-O-X-A-S.” He taps Roxas’s chest as he spells each letter. “You’re my partner.”
“When we do complete Kingdom Hearts,” whispers Roxas, “and become complete again, what if I change back to that person? What if I become that boy in red again. What then?”
“Well,” Axel says, “sounds to me like I’ll have an excuse to get to know you even better.” Roxas doesn’t get why Axel’s smiling right now. “You could wear red. You could wear black. Heh, you could wear nothing at all. No matter what, I’d still love you, Roxas. Come here.”
Roxas's breath seems to stop. Not because Axel’s wrapping his arms around Roxas. Not because Axel’s arms are warm and strong around Roxas’s body, pulling the two of them close together. Axel’s kiss falls atop Roxas’s head like the first drop of rain and sometimes you need the rain. Roxas’s breath is gone for a while, or he might have caught it so fast it doesn’t feel like he’s holding it at all. That word.
Through the star-shaped window, the sunset spills across the sky the same way warmth begins to spill across Roxas’s face, seeping into his cheeks, up to his ears. He can feel it in his fingertips, too, the warmth. It fills his palms until his hands are full. His hands cover Axel’s where Axel is holding him and their fingers lock together. Roxas has no idea when he begins breathing again, but it returns to him slow and gentle as the tide. That word.
A bend in the track up ahead causes the train to tilt. Roxas tilts with it, falling into Axel until his head’s against Axel’s chest. Well, he’ll leave it there. It feels right. Roxas lets out a breath. His ears lift a little as he smiles and he buries his smile into Axel’s chest, breathing.
Awhile later, a bell starts ringing on the other end of the carriage. Roxas’s head shifts as Axel sits up. Blinking, and still in Axel’s arms, Roxas lifts his head.
“Looks like we’re arriving, baby,” Axel whispers.
The train’s coming to a stop, Roxas can feel it in the way the rumblings beneath his seat are starting to slow down. He can see it through the window, the way the sunset isn’t moving by so fast anymore.
Once the train’s drawn still, Axel lifts his head. “Wanna go see where we’ve ended up?”
“Can we?” All Roxas is seeing in the windows opposite are the orange clouds bunched up along the horizon and lonely green triangles pushing through the hazy clouds. The green triangles are so small that Roxas can’t tell if they’re mountains… or the tops of some really big trees. Does it matter either way?
“There’s your answer,” says Axel, cocking his head as the doors on either end of the carriage press open. “Shall we?”
The sole of Roxas’s shoe lands on soft grass as he steps through the door. Still holding Axel’s hand, Roxas helps Axel down on to the grass after him, not that Axel needs much help with that. But still.
Axel lands with a thud on the grass. He glances around, then pauses. “Hey, Roxas. Look up.”
Roxas does. “Woah.” He blinks. “…When did that happen?”
“Dunno. Maybe a while ago. The train must’ve been hemming too low for us to see the sky,” says Axel.
Different than the sky over Twilight Town, and nothing like the sky above the castle, the sky here has no ceiling. It's purple and sparkling and it reminds Roxas of the ocean beneath Never Land. It just keeps going, and going, and going.
“I wish she was here,” Roxas thinks aloud. “Er, the fairy from Never Land, I mean.” Of course Roxas wishes Xion was here with them, but admittedly that wasn’t what he was getting at with this. (He and Axel will have to bring Xion here, though. She deserves to see this, too.)
“…Tinker Bell, I think her name was,” Roxas continues. “She’s the one who showed me how to fly. I wish she was here right now so she could show you how to do it, too. Then we could fly up there. See the stars up close.”
With his gaze tuned to the sky, Roxas doesn’t see Axel squeeze his hand, just feels it. “Check it out,” says Axel, bringing Roxas’s gaze back down to the earth. Axel himself’s looking at something just up ahead. Roxas follows his gaze and finds a funny-looking castle at the end of it, tall and crooked and wearing a series of poky hats.
“We could even fly right up to the top of that,” says Axel. “Sit on the roof and have ice cream together. Hey, maybe we could even teach her how to fly, so we can all sit up on the roof at the top, all three of us.”
Roxas smiles. “Yeah. She’d love it here.”
They walk around, careful not to get too close to the castle in case the wooden doors open and someone comes out. This place isn’t like Twilight Town or anywhere else, Axel says. Out here, they really should be careful no one sees them. Oddly enough, Roxas gets the same feeling, even though he has no idea where they are, and is pretty sure Axel doesn’t, either.
Well, wherever they are, it’s like time is paused here, or has stopped altogether. Or maybe doesn’t exist at all. Standing on the dewy grass with his hand in Axel’s—the sky this big endless thing above them—Roxas could forget he had work today. He could forget about his job altogether. He could even forget about Kingdom Hearts. If he and Axel stay here, maybe they’ll never have to finish Kingdom Hearts, and then Roxas would never have to worry about becoming a complete person. He could stay the way he is now. He wouldn’t have to change.
He likes being Roxas. If he had the choice, he wouldn’t want to be the boy in red or anyone else. But he shouldn’t be afraid of changing, either. Axel said it’s okay to change. In fact, Axel said that even if Roxas did change, he’d still… he’d still feel the same way about Roxas that he feels now. Roxas thinks about Xion. What would she say, if he asked her? Somehow he gets the feeling she would say the same thing Axel said.
Well, what if their situations were reversed? If Xion started to change, would Roxas still want to be her friend? If Axel started to change, would Roxas still.. still...
The bell of the train rings in the distance. Roxas frowns. They’ll have to go home soon.
“I wish we could stay.” Roxas sighs.
“Me too, baby. Me too. But hey.” Axel's gazing down at Roxas. “Having to leave doesn’t mean we can’t come back. I’ll make sure there’s a next time.”
Roxas smiles at that. He smiles at all of it, honestly. “Thanks for bringing me here today, Axel. I didn’t know how much I needed this.”
“You know, I meant what I said.” Axel’s smile touches his eyes. “I’m always here for you, Roxas. Even when you’re dealing with the heavy things, no matter how heavy, you never have to shoulder that burden alone, okay? I’ll always be here to shoulder it with ya, ride it out by your side until it’s done and gone.”
Roxas doesn’t know what to say. There are so many things he could say. “Hey, Axel, before, on the train…” There’s only one thing that feels right to say. Roxas shakes his head, laughs, lets his head rest against Axel’s chest as they stand where they are, and sighs. The world’s all around them. This time, Roxas doesn’t have to overthink it. It comes to him as naturally as breathing. “I love you, too.”
Roxas laughs a little more when Axel suddenly draws back to meet him eye to eye. Axel’s eyes are so wide above his tattoos and he’s blinking fast, his eyes darting around like he’s searching for something. “Roxas. What did you say?”
“Hey, you said it first.” Roxas beams—can’t help it. It’s the least he can do to express the way he feels right now. He’s had bursts of happiness before, but this kind of joy is like a light that only gets brighter. “I want you to know it’s no matter what. So even if you changed someday. Even if you became someone else. In this life and in the next one, Axel. I’d still love you, too.”